If they love you they will make every effort to get you back and make you happy including marriage. If not you will know they never planned on marrying you in the first place. HELP, I moved to another city to be with my boyfriend of 8 years as my living arrangements changed so we thought it would be a good idea for me to move. He does stay over and we see each other neally everyday.
I have spoken to my bf who wants me to stay but also wants me to be happy. He said if I want to go home for a few months until he finds a house for us to move in together he will come and get me. Do I go home and wait till he has our life set up and be around family and pets or should I stay because I love him so much.
Either way he will marry me, I just have doubts if I stay I might push him away by my stress of being alone some days or do I risk going home on his promise until he is ready…. Wow this is such a common problem. So many of us women heratbroken — mine happened last weekend ; after 3 years of dating and spending lots of time together including holidays and sleep overs with our respective kids, I asked about a commitment and that I believed marriage was so important.
He went away for 24 hours and came back having decided that he now knew he didnt want to get married again even though he knew it was adeal breaker for me. I think -jlyn — your comments are the ones I most identify with. I am 47 with two boys, he is 55 with a daughter who lives with him part time. We have both been married twice before. I have a lovely house and enjoy my independence but want to be his wife and be a family once more, not just live together with all the sacrifices that entails without knowing he is fully commited to me in all ways.
But he is such a lovely man that I dont want to leave, and risk maybe being alone forever. What do we all do? Are we all destined to remain unhappy??? No one has answers and I am so sad because the future I thought we had, and my future has jsut disappered and as someone said, this has already tainted what was a great relationship with some uncertainty. The uncertainty has gone but replaced with a knowledge that has brought pain and confusion.
Sad sad sad :. I really would leave but only if I knew he would come after me.. The question of marriage came up again. He said we could talk about it again later. Our two year engagement is the 28th of this month. I have a couple friends and family members getting married and I am happy for them but it sucks having to watch a wedding knowing I will never get married to the guy I want to marry.
My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. He proposed completely on his own on new years. I was so surprised and exciteD. We have now bought a house and he has no intentions of setting a date. He says hes comfortable the way things are and is in no hurry. Why did he propose??? Why buy a house with someone before there is a commitment? Same here. He proposed just before I moved myself and my daughter in with him and his 3 kids. This would be the 2nd marriage for both. Now 2 and a half years later he says he wants to be together forever but it made sense to him that I wanted to wait..
I guess I missed the window?! I just feel so cheated and hurt. I also want security.. But we could work out a time frame for me to figure things out of he died.. And I do think about social security. I feel like this girl living in his house.. A fake wife. This just feels unfair.. Desi, and all the other women who are living with men who wont marry-Move OUT.
Get your independence back. You have all given away your power to men who are getting everything on their terms. Start dating other men too. New to this. My bf and I have been together 7yrs, we live together but have no children together. I have boys and he has a daughter. Well when i started asking him about dates is when the problem started he said he dont know so i suggested we both think of dates , and since we been together so long i think the sooner the better. He then tells me that he dont think we should make it a special date that one day we should just go do it… so that brought more questions by me.
We told the family no wedding just court house. So that made them discuss a BIG reception.
So why do he thinks he has to control this situation? I try to talk to him about it but i always get upset and shut down. I disagree we are not rich or cant afford over the top but I feel we should have something to celebrate our big day. Something is the matter with us. He sounds like a much better boyfriend than most husbands I have known.
Has he not invested just as much in this relationship? My boyfriend does not want to marry, and I find myself spinning my wheels like every other woman on these message boards. I am in the same predicament — wondering if I am doing the right thing. But he is such a nice man, we get on so well together as lovers and friends and he is bit perfect but one of the nicest men I know so now I am quesionning what my stand is about.
Having said that it would mean giving up a house I love, and my financial and personal independence and I need some commitment to be able to do that. So at the moment I have moved my stuff, returned keys trying to be philosophical and missing him! Oh wow.. You actually left him? I still have my home and will for another 1. I am feeling the same way, and I spoke to him about this.
What if.. I sell my house, move in and he God forbid dies?? What then?? I have no security then. I love him so much and he is the best man I have ever had in my life. I actually quit dating for a few years before I met him because I met so many jerks. This is also very hurtful.. I feel rejected in many ways. I liked being married, but I was just married to the wrong person for 16 years. Totally shocked and gutted.
Part of me wishes I had never pushed the marriage question as its ruined everything :. This guy obviously has marriage issues. Did he have a bad divorce? If you two had a good relationship before then you will get it back. Hang in there! Thank you. He had two bad divorces! He was also scared that if we just lived together, I would be unhappy and in 5 or 10 years time I would leave him brokenhearted — his description!
Was quite surprised by this! For now I am happy to just be happy with what I have and enjoy life, and also enjoy my time on my own and my independence and be content knowing I have a good man in my life who loves and cares for me. I hope you manage to reach a resolution in your relationship x.
I understand what you are saying. This totally stinks! Am I suppose to start all over again.. Agreed, I relate to what you said jlynn, I am concerned about 30 years down the road as well. I am not pitching in for new rain gutters, or blinds, because if anything happens to my partner, I would be kicked out by next of kin. I have a kashmiri boyfriend committed for past 1 year. He says we have probably a year or a couple of years before he gets married to a Kashmiri girl that his parents will arrange for.
I am a Hindu from south of India. He is a Muslim. I am ready to make changes for him. Ready to make sacrifices. What do i do to make him marry me.. Run for the hills or sand dunes.. My boyfriend wants to marry me and move in with me we have been together for 7 mouths.
I was dating someone else at the time when he told me he liked me I rejected him. Then I started to date him,I never really liked compliments it took me 6 months and a break up to believe in the compliments and what true about me. I have been with my boyfriend for two plus years now and I have known him for about 4 years. Loyal but not very communicative. But he is always like that so I have learned to live with it. We have had our ups and downs but we never give up on each other. When we got together we instantly got into a serious relationship. We were around each other everyday. Went to sleep and woke up together.
My question! Its not easy being this long in a relationship and looking forward in life how do u do that when tomorw he kicks u to the curb. My boyfriend and I been dating for 2yrs now. No amount of talking about it or threatening to leave will work on a man. They are all designed the same way. You have to pull away when they are not giving you what you need. They have to feel like you are worthy — and begging, crying, and threatening only make you appear less worthy, like you are more interested in marriage than you are being with him.
They are simple. Make them work for it. Trust me. It took me years to figure this out. Go do things without him. Take more time to respond to his texts. Stop asking him how he feels about marriage. Be that fun-loving, easy going girl he fell in love with. So for the next 10 days:. When you do reply, keep it light-hearted and simply sweet.
Hope your day is going great! Make plans without him two times during the 10 days. Go to dinner or a movie, or just go drive around and listen to music if you have to. Wait 45 min if he texts you. You get the point. It worked on the playground, and it works on grown ass men. Love to you! I liked this! After a near break up over the marriage issue I realised I just wanted to be in a relationship with a lovely man that I loved more than anything, and we agreed to just love each other and get back on track, and because I am actually quite happy in my own home with my independence and no longer feel under pressure to make big decisions I have chilled out so much, and yes, enjoying his efforts — his messages and requests to see me.
I have pulled away to a place I am happy for now, and letting him take the keas after months and months of it being me that pushed for commitment. Its working for me! After all, mine ended after 16 years. The problem I have is that I feel rejected by him not wanting to get married. I can honestly say that he would feel the same way if it were another woman. He is afraid of losing everything again in another divorce. I feek like my boyfriend brings up marriage and kids more than me and ive been at the point in life I want to be settled already.
And he says hes been wanting it but always places a price tag like its about love not always about money ive seen the poorest of people have a decent wedding and support many children. Its like it has to be his way or no way at all plus I have medical condition that can lead to infertility and hes still just about himself and his needs and wants.
I have been with my guy four years, last night he said two…to a buddy. His friends give him trouble for not marrying me…he replies he loves me, etc. He SATs his reason is he has lost two houses…. He quickly replied he had found the one me but was not getting married….. I feel like my being a somewhat chubby is the issue…he likes 85 lb women…yet his gerth has expanded!
If I disappeared for awhile he would inquire about my whereabouts right away, without hesitation, plus he would probably pay me back.. He told his friend our relationship is like marriage anyhow, in a positive tone. Good luck with everything. And he does everything for his daughter from gas to money for interviews, etc. He says he does this because his daughter is not married to this guy. It breaks my heart every time he says this. I told him that there is no need to keep reminding me because every time he does my soul dies. His ex wife cheated on him with many guys, got a restraing order against him and threw him on the street.
After 11 years divorced for every single event in his daughters life he takes a picture with his ex. And I know there is nothing out there. After 21 years married, my husband left me with two kids, who are terms now 19 and I would like. Who cleans, cook, and take care of his house. Things his ex wife never dis. Our sex is greater, to the point I believe is the only connection between us. We talk, go out and do many things together.
My teens love him because he has a big heart. That is the perfect advice right there in your message and I intend to follow it exactly. Thank you so very much!!!
How to Get Your Partner to Propose
We dated for an entire year to the week before moving in together. We both have good jobs and we both split the bills and responsibilities straight down the middle which is exactly how we like it. It took about 2 years for baby mama drama llama to accept me with him, they were together off and on for about 9 years.
Now she comes to birthday parties we have and even family get togethers. His friends and family members occasionally take little jabs at him saying things about it. He just sorta smiles and plays it off. His father even introduces me as his daughter-n-law. I am 38 and he He said he just never saw himself being married.
So you have to decide: you can either stay in the relationship without marriage; or decide whether marriage is more important to you than the relationship. Only you can decide what you want more. I do know those things keep them guessing, keep it fresh, their desire, etc. Give and take. I give and give and give. Now, am I losing my mind. Or when two ppl are supposedly in love, truly. Should I always feel awful. Unsatisfied, unwanted.
Only to go unnoticed. I think sadly, actually devastatingly sadly. I may have answered my own question. Or that she should be in an unhappy relationship not to mention trying to raise her with Christian values yet her parents are unmarried? That makes it a little easier to leave. I am continuously unhappy and feel less wanted and important. Have I lost touch.
Or is real love still out there? Help me figure out what to do here. I have been living with my partner for two years and together for three years. When we met, I was in a 20 year marriage with my three children living overseas as an expat. We met through acquaintances and became friends which developed into a relationship. We both left our spouses for each other. He was on his third marriage. We always discussed marriage and a future together. He says marriage ruins everything. I am 47 and want a commitment and future with him. I honestly believe we are meant to be together.
Should I continue to wait and hope he changes his mind. I have been with my bf for nearly 6 years. After a year he fell out with his parents and moved in with me. His younger brother is getting married to his gf of 3 years and now it has left me feeling like an idiot. My bf says he wants to be financially secure I am well off and support us both which I would be happy to continue doing in marriage. He says I need to give him time but I am 32 this year and feel like things may never change.
I agree that being happy with a bf should be enough but I want to get married. It sounds like such a small thing and if it is then why doesnt he just do it?? It is different if you want children, in which case, you would probably be better leaving and finding someone who will make that commitment to you. However I do understand that as a man he may feel the need to be in a position where he can support you. I am going through the exact same thing.
We have been together going on 6 years. We have been living together for less that a year. And honestly I push him to live together. Having almost lost my man over this I have to say my whole perspective has changed and although I feel a bit sad that he wont marry me and the future is still uncertain, it pales into insignificance to the misery I felt on losing such a lovely partner, lover, best friend.
I just decided to try to be content with what I have. I do understand what marriage means, as i too was at that point but it took almost losing him to make me just appreciate what I do have and accept things as they are. Yes I do still wish he would propose and secretly I still hope he will, and I no longer feel we can plan a future together as such, but life is too short to be unhappy…cherish what you have, a man who loves you and who wants to be accepted for who and how he is, and if he is worth doing that for, you have a very precious gift of love in your life xx.
You said that perfectly. I agree with everything you say. I feel exactly the same. It took me a very long time to meet him. I dated a lot of men, and no one compares to him. I feel lucky and blessed to have such a great man in my life. There are so many jerks out there with all type of issues.. If I broke up with my man, Someone else would swoop him rite up. We also talked about buying a house together as a retirement place for us so I would have that.
It sounds like you have so much going for you and your relationship compared to others. Its not totally easy to let go of wishes and hopes, but the alternative is worse. It would be different if I were younger or wanting children, but I can enjoy my life and not worry so much now. I know he loves and cares for me, like you, and having a retirement together to look forward to must be very comforting. I wish you every happiness xx. I take care of his two kids and my kid every day, I stay home.
I want to get married for stability and because I want to be with him for the rest of my life. My loyalty only lies with him. I love him more than I thought possible! Please help. Some of your post leaves some confusion …why do you fight over sex? I hope that counseling works for you two. That is a step in a good direction. Good luck! You are young and need security!
Hopefully he changes his mind. I would also get your car put in your name. My boyfriend makes good Money.. He lent me money for a car. He can wait till next years tax return. I have a child before this relationship and I am doing my honours he drives a cab. I said I want a family he said he is not financially safe but we both not safe for a baby. I looked at him. I do my hair my clothes I do me. I ask myself how are we going to join pockets and a have a kid where as he is my loan shark without the interest.
I told him last year December that I need more from him he said ok. I love you you I thought you were the best thing that happen to me. I use to thank god for you but no. I left my man not for the sake to find someone else but for him to see my value. Good luck. Truth: I have no interest in the wedding aspect of marriage. I just want the commitment and promise, but pathetically the ring too.
My boyfriend has no interest in marriage as we both came from families of very bitter divorces. He makes me feel guilty that I want go spend my life with him and that the only reason I want to get married is for his health care. I love him very much and have been very dependent on our relationship for many years that I have no identity without him nor do I know how to be alone or take care of myself.
I am envious that women at work have a husband and I never will. I totally understand what you mean. I wish my boyfriend wanted to marry me. I love him very much and I can see myself with him forever. I can still have everything I want outside of marriage yet I still want it.
But I would never sacrifice our relationship for this irrational want. I totally feel for you. Ive been with my guy for 8 years. Ive been wanting to get married since We talked about having kids and he bought us a puppy for Christmas. I told him I wanted to elope. That was actually the worst thing ever. All my friends and family know I want to be married. We now have 2 kids together. Not because he loves me. I believe he does truly love me its just that love isnt a reason to get married for him.
This is exactly how I feel. I have cried and cried over this. I want us all to have the same name and I want him to Barry me. I feel like my life will always be incomplete because of this. I feel incredibly embarrassed as everyone knows I want to marry him too. Us women has to have a way to support ourselves and there is nothing wrong with being independent especially with men these days not wanting to grow up …. He said his parents loved each other and were together for 17 years with out a thought of marriage and they had 5 kids. And he adds marriages now a days always end in divorce and have high cost and its not worth it for a piece of paper.
But I want that piece of paper! But what do you do in this situation? So less than a month ago I found out my bf for 8 years was cheating on me. I was devastated. I really love him so I agreed to give it another try. We fought a few times and marriage topic came up, I wanted to get married for a long time now, we talked about it, we talked about having kids together but he never pop the question.
But he said he loves me…?? This went on for the next year during the pregnancy and birth of our first daughter. I gave him a year to grow up n make a decision or I would make it for us on our 10th anniversary. I finally have the relationship I deserve after 12 years of putting up with a bunch of shit. Or do I take the ring back off… I want to be married cuz he loves me,wants to spend the rest of his life with me not because he feels a sense of obligation to me and our daughters and knows that I want to have the same last name as them..
I know he loves me,n there is no one else out there for either of us,that regardless of marriage we will be together forever. So do I settle and have my happily ever after or not settle n still have our kind of happily ever after??? And question either decision I make for the rest of our lifes….
I say go through with the wedding. You have kids together and should be married. I love the way him and your daughters asked you to marry them! Put your sour feelings aside and enjoy! Go for it!! Good luck and have fun planning the wedding!! Jlynn, I feel like you and I are in the same boat. I would like to email you directly if I could. Do you know if that inspiringly? A little background.
I am 54 and my boyfriend is Marriage is not a business dea to me, but it is to him. We have been together for four years now, living together for 3. Moved 12 hours away from all our family and friends. My middle school daughter is with us. I am not happy about it. In fact, heartbroken. I cry a lot about it, but try not to in front of him. I just need people, women, to commiserate with. I want him to love me enough to marry me. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me that he is not sure if he wants to get married. Which I have told him before also, I think the fact his mom has been married and divorced 3 or 4 times plays a big part in it.
Be romantic. Make him want to be in this relationship. Don't be a cheapskate. Men often enjoy romance too; pretending otherwise will only drive him away. Remember that some men are perfectly willing to date women they really like but don't see as "marriage material. If his compliments are largely related to sex, it probably is not.
If you feel the need to have a serious talk, reconsider the approach. Instead of coming at him with a serious tone which will bring up his innate fear of pressure for commitment , be upbeat and positive. I really feel happy around you. But I just want to double check and see if we're on the same page. While I know it is too soon for us to worry about it, I do want to get married in the future and want to make sure I'm dating someone who has the same values as me.
As we get to know each other better and better, are you beginning to see me as someone you could possibly see that happening with? Convey unconditional love. A strong relationship should be based upon more than convenience. Pushing past difficult times while remaining together requires a deep commitment and appreciation for one another. Unconditional love is developed over time. It is a choice we make, not necessarily a feeling we experience. He won't make excuses; he will make time.
He will find beauty in your uniqueness and your flaws. He will accept you for who you are and not want to change you. He will take pride in introducing you to his friends and family. When he thinks of his future, you're definitely in it. If you are in need, he will be there for you. He will support everything you do, whether it be abstract finger painting or studying law.
He will value your opinion and listen when you're talking. Yes No. Not Helpful 17 Helpful You should respect yourself first. You need to show him that you respect yourself more than anyone does, and establish your boundaries if necessary. If he's a good man, then there's no need for you to ask for respect. A man who truly loves you will respect you no matter who you are. Not Helpful 4 Helpful Bring it to the forefront as soon as the opportunity presents itself, considering how important a child is. If he struggles with the idea over time, it's likely an indication to move on.
Not Helpful 1 Helpful What do I do if I have been in a relationship for five years, but my man doesn't want to marry me? You should think about what you want in life. Have a discussion with him about what he wants in life, and discuss what your wants and needs are. If you disagree, find out why. Everyone has their own reasons, and you will not know his until you talk with him. If you think you will never get want you want out of the relationship with him, you may have to leave him.
Not Helpful 11 Helpful I have been in long distance relationship for 3 years, but the man says he is not ready to marry and I really want to. What should I do? He has told you he is not ready, so you need to hear him and take him at his word. He may just need more time, or it may end up that he never wants to get married. You have to decide if you are willing be in this relationship without marriage.
If not, then you should move on. Not Helpful 0 Helpful There isn't a "correct" age to get married, but you should wait until you and your significant other have reached some career or educational goals. You may decide that you want to wait until you graduate high school or college, or even until you finish an advanced degree.
Whatever goals you set, if you both feel that you are ready for the commitment of marriage, then go ahead. Do what will ultimately make you both happy. What should I do if the man in my life is afraid of marriage because of previous relationship problems? Remind him that every relationship is different, you are not his ex, etc. Talk to him about the problems he had in relationships before and come up with solutions to avoid these problems.
Not Helpful 6 Helpful Ask him why, but not in a defensive or intimidating manner. He might not be ready to take the relationship to the next level yet. Once you know where both you and your partner stand, you can decide whether to wait for him or move on to another relationship. Not Helpful 13 Helpful What do I do if I have all the right qualities, support him when he needs it, and out of pride he tells me that he found someone better?
Move on. He clearly doesn't appreciate you and is not worth your time. Also understand that what 'the right qualities' are varies from person to person. There are certain things you should always do in a healthy relationship, but if the two of you are simply not right for each other, you shouldn't force it.
Not Helpful 10 Helpful He may still have doubts or may not be fully committed. Try telling him how you feel about his stalling and tell him nicely and be willing to listen to his explanation. He may want more time to think and may not be sure yet or may think you both as a couple need more time. Be patient and considerate because if you want to marry him he should be worth waiting for. But if he's not really committed, talk to him about why he doesn't want to commit and if needed move on.
Always remember to be polite and considerate and tell him how you feel. Not Helpful 14 Helpful Phil says, don't ever get into another relationship until you have dealt with all emotional business with the one you are in. If you do find that after separation, you want to make it work with your husband, let him know that you all may need to date. Tell him you are bored.
You know he is a dull person, but he needs to do better for you and your marriage. On the other hand, if you decide to leave, then let him know. Talk with the kids. I don't know what the result will be; but I think a proper separation will give you the answers that you need.
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This is where I am right now. I met my husband in college. We dated off and on. I found myself attracted to others but the others did not feel the same. My husband and I got back together. We became pregnant. I was not in love with my husband but I married him anyway. I have no physical desire for him anymore. Not even kissing or holding hands. I know he will be a good provider. He takes good care of my physical needs and is a loyal and faithful guy. I know he will place the family and me as priority. But emotionally he is quite negative towards people and life. We are of different faiths and we have different views of how we want to raise our children.
I don't feel that deep emotional connection towards him but we can talk about people and things in general. What do you suggest I do then? I have been feeling ambivalent for the past 8 months and my marriage is due in two months time. Should someone feeling this way proceed with the wedding? After nagging my fiance for a year about getting engaged, it happened this week and I am feeling in my heart of hearts that it was a mistake to get engaged..
I already feel bored with the relationship we've been together 5 years and have been really nasty towards him in the past months. I am too embarrassed to break it off with him, I know it took so much for him to finally take this step and after all my nagging, to break it off is horrible of me. Yep - same thing I said to N applies to you as well, M. Yea, you weren't right for nagging him about engagement when you wasn't even feeling him. You would've done better but not even mentioning marriage. But I can imagine some legit reasons as to why you nagged engagement being together for 5 years - hey!
Something more needs to be happening here, right? Anyway, I can understand the embarrassment, but the embarrassment will eventually fade with time. It will probably ease better than a divorce. So do yourself a favor No, don't proceed feeling that way. I can't tell you whether or not to break off the relationship, but don't go into the marriage with that uncertain feeling. It'll do you no good. You can only fake it for so long. Stop the wedding proceedings before you all spend up money and time. Suppose most get the comments made.
Of course, in light of them, being terrified seems the appropriate response. Of course they are your "feelings" and I think in a situtaion of discontent it is wise to let the discontented leave. Then you must also bear the burden. If you let go of the burden, you let go of the benifit. If I were dating now I think things would be different. I had low expectations in some ways , I was raised by parents who were happy with less and didn't feel you needed more of anything. Maybe that was Ok in the 50s but not when I grew up. So now I got someone who thinks he knows everything. He's also one of the most negative people.
I used to be madly in love with my fiance. But after 5 years I fell out of love and have since fallen in love with 2 other men. I hated having sex with him before I cheered on him the first time. Now I don't know if we can salvage the relationship or if I should just go ahead and find someone else since it didn't work out with the 2 men I fell for. Joy, find someone else or be alone for a while. Fell in love with two men? Probably more like lusted over two guys, but regardless, it sounds like you don't want to commit to you fiance for some reason, and that's ok But walk away while you can and figure you out and let him find someone who will be faithful and will marry him.
Of course, just an opinion. No judgement Because I know how you must feel. Kinda in the same boat except I married him but didn't fall in love with anyone else which is good. I lost all hope about six years ago. By this time, I had dated a number of "bad boys" who didn't want committment when younger but then later had fallen in women who were "bad girls" who cheated on them, and then I entered their lives one at a time only to a disastrous end! In any case, I was tired of "the game," but I didn't know how to fall in love with someone who wouldn't abandon me.
I still don't, if you want to know the truth, and I'd been married about a year and a half. I also had issues with repeatedly dating men who were not over their chidren's mother. Not sure why. It just is what it is as far as I know. I had feelings for the man I am married to now for about two weeks. I'm not sure why those feelings died as fast as they did, but I have but maybe only for a day or two out of six years have EVER been able to feel them again.
I have my reasons, including the fact that I still obsess over a "first love" who about eight to nine years ago tried to make me think he and I still had a chance only to once again let me down. We never had sex -- which was probably party of the reason we didn't end up together! There is a LOT to this story that I'm leaving out, but all I can say is that this "first love" of mine just didn't do enough to convince me that I really was the one he wanted - for real -- this time.
Therefore, I did the best I could to at least physically move on to someone new, even if I didn't "mean it" emotionally. I didn't start to feel "old" at age 35, nor did I feel old at age But for some reason, 37 was the "magic age" when I decided it was time to "couple up for good" because I was "too old" to be having roommates!
I figured by the time I was 37, I should be living entirely on my own with NO support from family or a roommate, or I should be in a long-term relationship. I think because of the fact that I had been "in love" quite a few times, that by the time I "settled down," I figured I already had my chance at romance. And, if romance just "wasn't my thing," then, at least I could have a steady sexual partner who wouldn't abandon me. Now, in my case, I pray for this person to "sober up" and other things related to his well-being. But, I am sorry to say that I can't help but wonder if I would be a little bit relieved if he were to die before me!
Having someone around percent of the time who won't change my mind about wanting to be with me or being with a man who would change his mind once a week about whether or not he wanted to be with me? Which is truly more emotinoally painful? I don't regret all the times I fell in love even if it didnt' amount to anything. Because maybe at age 37 I wouldn't have been ready to give up on romance altogether. I predict that I will be with this person until he dies, but I sometmes hope he will cheat on me so I have an excuse to get out because I don't believe in divorce except for infedility.
I used to believe in all that "romance crap," but, with about 90 percent of the people I know getting a divorce with at least 50 percent of it being because of either infidelity or abuse, I give up. I really do. I really have decided to cut my losses. I have it better than most people out there right now even if I have absolutely NO romantic feelings and never did for my husband. I married at 19 to a man who looked good on paper.
He and I were virgins on our wedding night. He had all the "good husband" qualities I desired, but I never found him physically attractive and I am not sexually attracted to him, either. I was pressured by my religious culture and mother, who seemed all to eager to get rid of me. Maybe she wanted to have one less financial burden. I was taught that sex was forbidden and that it was shallow and evil to focus on physical traits. It's been a difficult 13 years, to say the least. I have only told two other people of my issues and silently suffer in pain.
We have three kids. My husband is very pushy and a bit controlling. I can recall the times so well as we don't have a terribly active sex life. The problem is that I am a firm believer in keeping a marriage together no matter what if children are involved exceptions: abuse and infidelity. There is a part of me that feels hope in divorcing and finding love again once the children are grown and leave the home.
I have another 16 years of raising children. I didn't come to grips with my lack of attraction until ten years in. I assumed my lack of interest was due to birth control use. When I went off bc for good, my sexual drive increased and I felt absolutely none of it for my husband. I'm an optimistic person, but I'm realizing that I may never experience true love, passion, or desire. He and I don't argue or fight. We provided a very peaceful and happy home for our children.
I try to serve and do nice things for my husband, hoping that my actions will translate into love and make me love him more. However, you either are in love or you're not in love. I'm an attractive woman who wants an attractive man. I used to be ashamed to think this, but now it is my reality. Marriage has it challenges, but it is surely hard when you are not in love with your spouse.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Pressure from family, especially at a young age, can put us into a life that we have no desire to be in. But because you want to honor God in your marriage, you are staying. May you be blessed for that. There's a movie called 'Brick Lane' that I think you can relate to and might enjoy watching. It's about a young woman who was born and raised in Bangladesh. She was put into an arranged marriage at age 17 to a much older man and then moved off by him to Britian. She bore three children and grew very bitter. There's more to it, but I don't want to spoil it for you.
It has an interesting, yet hopeful ending. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. We have two kids. Hi Nonny, Is there anything you believe you and your husband can do at this point to help your marriage be more than religion and children? Have you all tried, or is the fact that you're not in love with him been all that you can focus on? It makes me weepy to admit that this is my life. I signed up for it when I was entirely too young to know better, although I thought I did. Everybody in my religious circle encouraged it, and here we are today.
We are on two completely different wavelengths. I truly became myself this past decade, but I married before I gave myself time to do so.
What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Get Married
I just tell myself that I made my bed. There is so much life in me, so I live it the best I can, given my circumstances. I feel you. Thank you for sharing. I like the last line "There is so much life in me, so I live it the best I can, given my circumstances. These comments all make me sick! All of us made choices based off of our social, cultural, religious conditioning!
It's sickening. I feel like we've all been ripped off of our birth right by all the other sad sacks in this world who tell you - marry or you're in sin, marry to have children, better to settle than be alone, who do you really think is out there, the grass is never greener, romance is a myth, if you're not married by insert age you're an undesirable loser, who else would want you Were none of us EVER told that we are valuable and worthy of loving another and being loved in return - mind, body and soul?!
Were none of us ever told to look at our deeply ingrained beliefs poured over us like molasses from the moment we're born about who we are, who we're not, and who we should be and CHALLENGE them? Were none of us EVER taught or guided to fully know and understand what OUR personal values are - what we will pay the highest price for and what we can happily live without because the higher values and needs are met?????
It's not about finding perfection. It's about finding imperfection perfect. And we live incredibly contrived, unhappy lives and lies because of it. I'm done! I'm going into the dark night of my soul and sorting my marriage shit out once and for all. I am lovable and desirable. If it isn't - I'm done. I'm not playing with my life like it's a toy anymore. And I hope everyone else who reads this is just as done!!!! All I have to say is..
I am tired of the fake b. My current marriage is pretty much done because I didn't stay true to self. At this point, I take some responsibility for my part. He play his role, too. So going forward, I vow to myself, and God to not settle. If being unmarried is how the rest of my life is lived, I'd rather have that than some empty, meaningless relationship with a penis attached. The other good part is I know that that love that you speak of, it's out there, but in the meantime, I have to give it to self first by being true.
Well it is real fact that most married women cause most divorces as it is today since they really are the biggest cheaters of them all unfortunately. And there are many of us men that had this happened to us already even though many of us were the very faithful ones from the very beginning right to the very end. It is very sad when most women just like sleeping around all the time every chance they get, unlike most women in the past that were Real Ladies and very old fashioned and very committed as well.
What in the world happened to these very pathetic women today when even God has no control over them at all either? The middle of a divorce after a six year marriage. I met my wife thru a mutual friend , at the time she had been divorced for 6 months from a guy she loved but had cheated on her over and over , I fell in love with her , I thought it was mutual, we dated for 3 years prior, I wanted her to be sure that I was the one for her before we got married since we are also from different cultures, I guess a small inner part of me felt she was not all mine , maybe little red herrings that I guess I disregarded , simple things like her saying thank you , or showing little appreciation, but I loved her and I asked her to marry me.
What else could I have done? Well our alone time disappeared and although we still took trips we had the baby with us. I started to notice her resentment, a year later she was still in school, I was diagnosed with lymphoma at had to have chemo and radiation, she refused to take time off or to delay her studying, so I went thru 4 months of treatment by myself , still caring for our child and our financial situation.
This had never happened before I was shocked , we had been trying for another child without success!!! I was left in pieces. I asked her to go to marriage counselor but she said it was too late , that there was never anything between us! Found out that she had been seeing her ex , and planned to remarrying him.
The same person who had cheated on her!!! She had never let him go.. Scott, I am so sorry this happened to you! Even though you never had all of her, she had no right or reason to treat you so cruel. Obviously, she is using your child as a pawn to get you to do what she wants. This whole situation is messed up.
What do you tell you child? The truth without bashing the mother. Say something like, your mother and I married, but unfortunately, we could not make things work. Daddy tried, but mom had to take care of herself. I will always care for her because she gave me you. So, I will love you with all of me. Is that okay with you? And 9 times out of time, you child will be quite content with that. I hope you meet someone who will give you all of her.
Hi Scott, I have never understood why we still have feelings for those who have hurt us. I have experienced this before.